How to lose an election: A masterclass in political missteps

By Denis Muteguya

Winning elections is exhausting, isn’t it? The long nights of strategizing, the endless speeches, the pressure of securing every last vote it’s just too much. If you’re looking for a simpler way out, why not ensure your party gracefully loses? After all, there’s an art to failure, and if you follow these steps, you’ll master it effortlessly.

First, make sure your party is a walking contradiction. Say one thing today, another tomorrow. Let your key figures have wildly different opinions on critical issues. Voters love confusion it reassures them that you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. One moment, promise sweeping reforms; the next, insist everything is fine. Keep them guessing, and soon, they’ll stop paying attention altogether.

Next, avoid the grassroots like the plague. Why waste time meeting ordinary citizens when you can hold grand rallies full of people who just showed up for the entertainment? There’s no need to listen to community concerns when you can make lofty speeches from a distance. Who cares about the villages and towns where real voting happens? Certainly not a party dedicated to losing.

And please, whatever you do, ignore voter data. Numbers, trends, demographics—who has time for such nonsense? Elections aren’t about strategy; they’re about gut feelings. Just assume your party’s old glory will carry the day. After all, voters are predictable, right? They’ll stick with you no matter what. What could possibly go wrong?

Candidate selection is another area where you can really ensure failure. Pick people based on blind loyalty, not electability. It doesn’t matter if a candidate is unpopular or incompetent—just make sure they’ve been in the party long enough or know the right people. After all, elections are about rewarding friends, not winning votes.

Then, make sure to treat social media as an afterthought. Digital campaigns? Please. Leave that to the amateurs. Why invest in online engagement when you can rely on outdated posters and occasional radio ads? Never mind that millions of voters spend hours on their phones your party’s legacy will surely speak for itself.

For the best results, keep your party in constant chaos. Encourage infighting, leaks, and public betrayals. Let factionalism thrive, and if possible, sponsor a few rival candidates within your own ranks just to spice things up. Voters love a good political soap opera, especially when it involves watching a party self-destruct.

Money, of course, is your ultimate weapon or so you think. Instead of genuine engagement, just throw cash at the problem. Hand out money and expect blind loyalty, ignoring the fact that voters can take your cash and still vote for someone else. While you’re at it, misuse  resources recklessly. After all, who needs public trust?

And if your opponents hit hard with a strong message, don’t bother responding. Take weeks, even months, to react. Better yet, ignore them completely and assume voters will see through the ‘lies’ on their own. Elections are won by wishful thinking, not by actively shaping narratives—right?

When election day finally arrives, just wing it. No need for polling station agents or a voter turnout strategy. Forget vote protection just assume the electoral commission will handle everything fairly. Sit back, relax, and let the chips fall where they may.

Finally, when the inevitable loss comes, embrace it as a noble defeat. Blame external forces, rigging, or an unfair system just don’t admit that your campaign had flaws. After all, losing with dignity is still better than learning from mistakes and actually trying to win next time.

And there you have it a foolproof guide to election failure. If your goal is to remain a political bystander, simply follow these steps. But if, by some chance, you actually want to win, maybe just maybe, you should do the exact opposite.

The writer is an independent socio-political analyst (denismuteguya@gmail.com)